The Village: Live

I am writing down the things I wrote down in my paper based journal: It is as follows:
Sitting alone in my friends flat. Listening to the rapture: Echoes. I personally prefer mirrors, I think its the first they released. This one sounds more raw. Or at least for my taste.
In berlin now. For a visit. A slight culture shock revolting in me.
Everything still so different since I left. Or maybe I changed. It doesnt say "Home" to me anymore.
The time I spend in berlin, was always accompanied by depression and thoughts of suicide. I have been living in squats. I was drunk almost every day. The alcohol made me fat.
But now, I see that everything I loved and adored in this City disappeared. Just the people are still the same. I love the berlin slang. Only the external charm seems faded. People are still negative. I think its because of unemployment, constant political and architectural changes, this is something that hits bigger citys more than smaller towns or villages. In berlin there are still memorials that remind you of the past. A past when the russians were still occupying a part of the city. In the Greifswalder strasse there is still a huge memorial of lenin with thick letters underneath saying : Rot Front. And of course the cheaply build typical GDR high-rise buildings. All of them are used as flats. As it was before.
Karl Marx loved London. So do I. I feel a strange unity with this city and I do not know exactly why.
Even though I miss the cakes and schrippen! They are lovely...And the fact that I can go clubbing all night on a Sunday night, and still meet people and get drunk until I start to become obnoxious, if I want to. Simply love it. Recently, a lot of australians, irish, americans, english citizen relocated to berlin. Now literally the whole City speaks english. But something else happened too. The city does seems warmer than usual.
I went to a nightclub called Goldengate on Saturday night. Met a DJ. He played a song I liked: Modern Lovers. I forgot the title. I had a chat with him. He was tiny. I drunk one beer after the other because beers only cost 2 Euros, and someone gave me one for free, too. I flirted with a goth for a couple of hours but never spoke to him, we just starred at and followed each other. Later I met a guy called Uli whom I met on my last berlin visit. He was extremely depressed and disillusioned. He asked if I want to go somewhere else with him and I said yes, further to this is written down in my last journal from the day before. Still, he is a nice guy.
When I was about to leave berlin, I spend one hour at the bus stop. I saw funny faces and a lot of good bye kissing. A man borrowed my pen twice to write down something once for a woman and then another man.
Since, I am at my parents house in this tiny little quiet village I am bored, and drunk every night, as well as now. Its white wine this time. My parents drink a lot.
Last night I wrote this out of boredom:
Sitting in the kitchen blowing smoke rings into the air, waiting for my electroshocks or to die.
My beard is growing longer everyday because of the daily testosterone injections.
The doctors are, I would say o.k. Everyday they want me to undress and walk up and down naked in front of them. Last night, while I was sleeping they took my blood.It did hurt when I came to my senses. They just laughed. The nurses inspect my shit everyday and they come into my room smiling and with a pile of colourful RGB pills, hourly. My brain feels as if it is trapped in a cage. Whenever I move it bounces against the steel rods. So, I cant move. Lying in bed motionless. I had rats making noise in my room. But since the nurses spread poison all over the floor they died and I cannot sleep anymore. Now, my foot has developed huge blisters due to the poison, and I leave blood traces on my way to the toilet. Hospitals are boring. A week ago I was watching porn very loud. Everyone complained and the nurses have taken away the television set. Now I have to masturbate all day long.